My Asylum Home
by Touch of Grey
Summary: In the not-so-distant future, Eddie does good for the world in a less...sane place. Presenting Arkham shrink Kid Devil! Eddie/Zat, practically crackfic.


"A devil with angel's wings. That's what they used to call me. Did you know that, Red Devil?"

"I've told you a thousand times, Delia, my name is Kid Devil, not Red Devil. You're thinking of Blue Devil, the big guy."

"Right, right. Sorry, Kid. But you know why they used to call me that? Do you?"

"No, Delia, why did they call you that?"

"Because I was a sadist in an innocent form. That's why I'm here, you know."

Eddie Bloomberg sighed. He knew, all right. She'd only been telling him that since the first day she became his patient. Arkham Asylum did strange things to the mind, including giving one that annoying trait to retell stories over and over without realizing it. Delia Dalulah was only one of the four-dozen patients he had with this trait. There was a knock on the door, and Delia fell silent.

"I'm going back in my cell, aren't I, doc?" He nodded, and she bit her lip. "I never meant to kill those kids, doc, you know that, right? I just wanted to play with them a bit, but then they said things and I said things and next thing I knew they were on the rack." Her eyes glinted, and Eddie pushed the buzzer that allowed the guard in. "They were screamin' an' beggin' for mercy, doc, but they'd been bad and they needed to be punished. 'An who better to do it than the devil sadist with angel wings?! They were really screamin', doc! Wish ya could have heard it! Them screams were delicious, doc! There are plenty of devils in this world, doc! You know that, right? Devils, just like you and me!" she was hysterical, and the tranquillizer dart couldn't hit her fast enough. The guard, a nice enough guy named Frank, winked at him.

"You gonna be okay, doc? Loony Dalulah looks like she's shook you up some."

Eddie waved a hand at him, loosening his tie a bit.

"I'm alright, Frank. Just, give me a few minutes before you bring in the next one."

Frank mock-saluted him and slung Delia over his shoulder, walking out the door. As soon as the automatic lock clicked back into place, Eddie pulled the partially melted silver crucifix from inside his suit, feeling it burning into his palm.

"I am not a devil." He said calmly, tracing the Jesus' little metal beard with his thumbnail. "I am not damned. I am not a sinner. I repented, and I was forgiven."

Feeling better, he pressed his 'com button. "You can bring in the next one now, Frank."

Four hours and eight whack jobs later, Eddie was getting ready to see his least-favorite patient. Smoothing down his short white hair and taking one last look in the mirror, he took a deep breath and pressed his 'com button.

"Okay, bring him in."

The familiar dark hair, the mischievous eyes, the playful smirk, there were many things Eddie Bloomberg hated about his job, but playing shrink to Zachary Zatara had to be the worst.

Zat had been his _friend_, his _ally_. Zat had helped him escape from Neron and break the contract. Zat had been there to see him turn down an invitation to the Justice League in favor of going to college.

And now Zat was just another crazy in a cell.

Zatara had the handcuffs off seconds after the auto lock clicked into its sleeve, setting them coolly on the desk.

"Now, I don't really think these are necessary, Eddie. We _are_ friends, after all."

Eddie gritted his teeth, and Zat sighed dramatically. "But I suppose for the sake of image, I must put them back on, yes? A time ago, you'd have _loved_ to see me in handcuffs, wouldn't you, Eddie? Hm?"

"Just put them back on, Zat. Don't make me cut this short by having you tranquilized again."

"Oh, we wouldn't want _that_" Zatara said sarcastically, snapping the handcuffs onto his slim wrists comfortably. "There we go. You know, there was a time I could have killed you with a sentence."

"Oh, you mean like, 'Sorry, Eddie. We just can't make this work. I'm leaving'? Because you've already said that, and I'm still here. With a proper job. _Not_ in hell or handcuffs." Zat visibly winced, but quickly regained his composure. When he spoke again, he spoke softly with words full of regret.

"I _did_ love you, Eddie, but we were too different. My show took me all around the world, while you had to stay at NYU. We grew apart, but I really wish we hadn't. I just," he sighed. "I just wish we could start over." He held out one of his shackled hands. "Hi! I'm Zachary Zatara, Arkham Asylum inmate number 422348. And you are?" Eddie batted away the outstretched hand, demonic eyes focusing on the paper in front of him.

"Zat, be serious. It says here that you've been getting into more fights recently. Can you tell me why that is?"

"Do you want to know as Dr. Bloomberg," Zatara challenged, "Or as my friend Eddie?" Eddie refused to take the bait.

"I'd like to know as your doctor, Zatara. Why have you been getting into fights with the other inmates?" The dark haired man turned up his slightly pointed nose.

"Not telling!"

"Why did you flick food at Cassandra Cain, starting a food fight?"

"None of your business!"

"Why did you dangle a picture of Inertia's dead wife just out of his reach?"

"Why should I have to tell you?"

"Will you at least tell me where you got the picture?" Zatara smirked.

"Duella Dent is a pretty good artist, doc. She'd met Fuyu before, so it wasn't too hard to get her to draw me a little picture. She'll draw 'em for anyone who swears to make someone's life miserable with it. Thad's just an easy target." Eddie snorted.

"Devil with an angel's face, Zat."

"Hm?" the young man smirked and leaned forward. "Was that a, dare I dream it, _compliment_, Eddie? Oh, I knew you still cared!" and without further adieu, Zatara got up out of his chair, placed two _very_ unhandcuffed hands on his shoulders, and gave Eddie Bloomberg the best kiss he'd had in eight years. If it hadn't been for self-control that the Pope would envy, Eddie was sure that he might have kissed back. Maybe.

Instead, he sat his old friend back into his chair, firmly handcuffed him to that chair, then walked out, never once looking back. Even as Zatara called for help, the office was on fire, someone, anyone, please help!, Eddie didn't look back. So the next day, when he was assigned to his new cell, he felt no regrets.

"Welcome to Arkham Asylum, Eddie Bloomberg, inmate number 445442. My name is Zachary Zatara. I'll be your roommate. Please excuse the mess and slight smell of charred human flesh; I was in quite a bad fire just yesterday. Now come over here and let me kiss you properly or I will do many horrible and intricate things involving your spine and a plastic spork. Oh, and Eddie? Welcome home."

And all Eddie could do was smile.

Home.

He was finally, finally home.

Fini

Crackfic written prior to Countdown. Eddie/Zat forever, man.


End file.
